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Handling the stress, frustration of teenage years
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Published: November 20, 2008
Yes, you have to clean your room. No, you can't go to the party. Yes, you have to ride the school bus. GET UP!
Patricia Lorenz knows how hard it can be raising teens, and she knows it four times over.
"They fray the apron strings by being obnoxious little twerps,'' said Lorenz, whose brood is now grown and doing great. "But that's their job. I don't ever remember wishing I could drop them off somewhere.''
In Nebraska, that's exactly what happened under a safe haven law that had stressed-out parents abandoning children as old as 17 without fear of prosecution. While the intent of such laws is to allow desperate mothers safe options for unwanted newborns, safe haven in Nebraska highlighted the frustration parents feel with their teens.
Raising teenagers — still kids in some ways, but old enough and big enough to think themselves full-in-control adults — can be a frustrating experience far different from any other, parents say. And unlike the baby years, where there are new parents' gatherings, and relatives eager help out, the teen parenting years can feel isolating and scary.
Betty Londergan, author of the new book "The Agony and the Agony: Raising a Teenager Without Losing Your Mind,' said there is relentless pressure and frustration that come with the territory of raising teens. The stress, she said, can be an isolating experience unique to the age.
Lorenz, 63, remembers it well. She divorced her husband after three kids and seven years of a troubled marriage. She remarried and had a fourth child, only to divorce again. Never earning more than $28,000 a year, she struggled alone, living far from relatives.
"It wasn't easy and it hurt twice as much when one of the kids rolled their eyes at me in disgust,'' she said. "Yes, you have to ride the bus to school. You can't go to your friend's house until your room is clean and your piano is practiced. You promised Mrs. So-and-so that you'd baby-sit, so, no, you can't go to the party.''
Doris Montano, 40, is a single parent working three jobs to support herself and her 15-year-old daughter. Her divorce after 13 years of marriage was finalized two years ago and was rough on her child.
"I get a lot of mouth. A lot of temper tan-trums when she doesn't get her way,'' Montano said. "It's designer everything, the trends. She's a little prima donna. But no matter how angry she makes me I can't see life without her.''
At 43, Robert Blodgett calls himself a "father in the trenches'' with a 14-year-old son and three younger boys.
"Sure, there are times where I'm just completely exasperated on how to communicate with my son,'' he said. "Sometimes I wonder, 'Who's home?' His room's always a mess. He forgets things constantly. Many times he's flat out lazy and can never, ever wake up on his own. It drives me bonkers. But I can't ever imagine a situation wherein my stress level would get that bad.''
Lorenz said despite the struggles, raising teens is worth it.
"It's a tightrope that we walk for 18 years,'' she said. "Click your heels and say hallelujah because your struggles are going to make your children more capable and more interesting.''
Strategies for dealing with teens
DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE
Adolescence is about struggle — for identity, independence — but the grab for power often competes with the intense need for reassurance at home and conformity among peers.
Teens may fight the leash while also taking comfort in it. Dr. Robin Goodman, a child psychologist and art therapist in New York City, suggests parents lengthen the tether, stay involved and step in sooner rather than later when newfound freedoms are abused. Remember, she said, defiance is a tool used by teens. It's nothing personal.
IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT
Dr. Mark Goulston, a Los Angeles psychiatrist who once trained FBI hostage negotiators, said parents must leave behind their fear, denial and "don't ask, don't tell'' avoidance of confrontation and trust their guts in recognizing potentially violent behavior.
To help rather than hinder, try calming down an upset adolescent in a heated moment by repeating what he says in a slow, measured tone. Hopefully, he'll begin to listen at the speed you're talking and feel validated.
HELP! MY TEEN IS AN ALIEN
Sarah Newton, author of the book "Help! My Teenager is an Alien,'' said parents must learn to translate the intergalactic language of their kids to help make things run smoothly. Some parents are fond of the opening lines: "I know how you feel'' or "In my day.''
But you don't know what it's like to be a teen today, so stop what you're doing, look them in the eyes and zip your lips. Try to see a situation from their point of view.
BE A PARENT, NOT A PAL
Parenting is not a popularity contest. Don't be afraid for your child not to like you for a time over words spoken or rules imposed.
Mix criticism with praise. Be respectful, not insulting, and don't dismiss your teens' feelings or opinions as silly or senseless, said Rick Edwards, inpatient program director at the nonprofit Southwest Mental Health Center, a children's psychiatric hospital in San Antonio, Texas.
LETTING GO OF GUILT
Dr. Jason Stein, a family therapist in Los Angeles, said parents of out-of-control teens are often vilified, leading to unnecessary guilt.
"As a parent you're not allowed to show your humanity and struggle. You're not allowed to say, 'I hate my kid.' We've stigmatized these kinds of parents,'' he said. "We need to acknowledge the struggle. You basically buck up and do the best you can.''
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