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Scott Hollifield: Honest, Abe, I'm here to help the busy presidents

By Scott Hollifield | The McDowell News

Published: November 19, 2009

In March of 1861, 8-year-old George Patten was having a rough go of it in school.
The little scamp told classmates he had met the newly elected president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln. Being the son of a journalist, George was immediately accused of making it up.
"I'm bestest pals with ol' Honest Abe," George would say. (Note: The dialogue here is an historical recreation of what I believe children in 1861 would say based on absolutely no research on my part.)
"Ah, you're full of beans, George."
"I'll get my pal Abe to whomp you with a knotted plow line."
"Georgie Porgie, puddin' and pie/Met Abe Lincoln, what a lie."
"Hey, you come back here with my Gameboy! Man, that is whack!"
Finally, George's teacher grew tired of the shenanigans, the high jinks and even the tomfoolery and wrote to Lincoln to discredit George's story.
Lincoln wrote back.
(Cue solemn fiddle music that plays in all Ken Burns-style documentaries when someone reads a dead person's letter. Also, visualize a picture of Lincoln.).
"Whom it may concern, I did see and talk with master George Evans Patten, last May, at Springfield, Illinois. Respectfully, A. Lincoln."
{End fiddle music and stop visualizing. I said stop visualizing.)
Today, many years after it was written (I don't get paid enough to do the actual math), that letter survives in Philadelphia as part of The Raab Collection, which is now offering to sell it for $60,000, according to a Nov. 17 story by The Associated Press.
On its Web site, The Raab Collection, buyers and sellers of historical documents, said Lincoln "would not allow an injustice to exist if he could do anything about it, anything at all."
I'm sure our presidents today, former and current, would follow Lincoln's fine example and come to the aid of a little boy if they had time, but former presidents are too busy raking in exorbitant fees for public speaking engagements and the current president has his hands full either saving or ruining health care, depending on which cable news channel is on. That's why I give Jimmy Carter, George Bush (I and II), Bill Clinton and Barack Obama permission to use the following generic help-a-boy-who-is-being-mocked letter. All they have to do is take a few seconds to fill in the blanks.
"To whom it may concern: I did see and talk with (child's name here) on (date here) in the beautiful city of (name of city here), which coincidentally, I carried with 58 percent of the vote in my last election. From my understanding, my little friend, who I often turn to for counsel in trying times, is being picked on because he said that he met me. Intelligence sources tell me he's being called 'liar" and 'poopypants' and 'liar, liar poopypants on fire' which I find especially egregious and perhaps even actionable. For the record, not only did he meet me, I arranged for him to score some sweet backstage passes to a Miley Cyrus show. Her agent knows some people who know some defense contractors... let's just say I've got connections.
"And why did I arrange this for (child's name here)? It's top secret and you need clearance at the highest level to know, but I'm going to tell you anyway. He uncovered a terror cell and single-handedly neutralized the threat. Oh, his name will be redacted from any documents you acquire through the Freedom of Information Act, but it was him all right. So the next time you think about calling someone 'liar' or 'poopypants' or some other tomfoolery you might instead want to reach out and fist bump this young patriot and say, 'Thank you, (child's name here), thank you for helping protect our way of life.' Signed, The (former/current) President."
Presidents who use the generic help-a-boy-who-is-being-mocked letter can make the $60,000 check payable to Scott's Generic Presidential Letter Company, Inc.