Famed British physicist Stephen Hawking says space aliens, if they pay us a visit, will rip our faces off.
"We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn't want to meet," Hawking said in the new documentary "Into the Universe With Stephen Hawking," which recently premiered on The Discovery Channel. "I imagine they might exist in massive ships ... having used up all the resources from their home planet. Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonize whatever planets they can reach."
And then rip our faces off.
I take this threat seriously, since Stephen Hawking is a genius, ranking right up there with Albert Einstein, Leonardo Da Vinci, Ray Charles and the person who introduced Buffalo wings to the world.
Hawking, who said the vastness of space makes it probable that other life forms are out there, continued with his less-than-cheery prediction of an Earth stripped to the bone by "E.T." (The Extra Terrifying) and his gang of murderous thugs.
"... It makes sense for them to exploit each planet for material to build more spaceships so they could move on," said Hawking, who is reportedly working on his next documentary, "How To Scare the Bejesus Out of Everybody With Stephen Hawking." "Who knows what the limits would be?"
Certainly not face-ripping.
And think of the probing. Shudder.
Hawking's dire warning is a call to action.
"But, Scott," many of you are saying, "we're just normal, everyday people who read your column and wonder why you haven't been fired yet. What can we do to fight the impending face-ripping alien invasion?"
I will tell you.
First, order Scott's Face-Ripping Alien Invasion Preparation Kit (patent pending). Act now and for just $999.99 plus shipping and handling, you'll receive:
-- A large sheet of tin foil. Use it to craft a hat so aliens can't track you by your brain waves. (Pre-crafted hats, add $25.)
-- The deluxe, two-DVD set of "Predator" and "Predator 2." You'll learn how overly muscled, sweaty commandos battle an otherworldly killing machine while trying to understand what Arnold Schwarzenegger says ("Predator") and wondering where Arnold Schwarzenegger is ("Predator 2").
-- A new pair of underwear. You'll need it when you first see the aliens. Trust me.
-- Duct tape. This can be used to seal windows and doors or anything you don't want the aliens to probe.
Next, fire off a letter to your congressman. Here's a sample:
***
Dear Rep. Do Nothing,
I was watching TV the other night and that Stephen Hawkins fellow said through his talk box that space aliens were on their way down here to rip our faces off and take all our good jobs while you and your fat-cat cronies on Wall Street cozy up to China.
When it comes to space aliens, you apparently don't know Uranus from a hole in the ground.
I request that you immediately introduce legislation to build a fence around Earth to stop the influx of illegal face-ripping space aliens and name Arnold Schwarzenegger the nation's new space alien czar based on his fine performance in "Predator." (I sure missed him in "Predator 2.")
Thank you,
(Your name here)
***
Together, we can fight. Together, we can make a difference.
Note: In case space aliens do arrive, attack us, colonize our planet and read this in future, I would like to clarify that the above was just a feeble attempt at Earth humor and in no way reflects how I truly feel about our benevolent new tentacled monarch.
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