How to deal with sibling rivalry

See if this sounds familiar:

"Gimme that. It's mine!"
"Liar! Get off me. AaaarggGHHHH!"
WHACK, BAFF, THUD
"MOMMMMMM!"

Those of us with a passel of youngins recognize the above discourse for what it is: Sweet revenge for those who cursed us with this old standby: "I hope you have kids just like you one day."

Mine seem well on their way. So far they haven't learned to climb onto the roof of their schools or sneak out of the sanctuary and into the baptismal pool during a church service, but I figure it's only a matter of time.

While wandering the aisles of Amazon.com I discovered, "Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me!" by Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D.

Wolf presents a three-pronged approach to quashing the quarrels.

1. Never take sides. He suggests using phrases like, "The two of you stop it," rather than, "Jimmy, quit hitting Billy." That way you short circuit one of the children's biggest motivators: forming an unassailable alliance with the most powerful person in the room — the parent.

The exception here is if a child is in danger of imminent harm.

2. Get involved when you're starting to get irritated rather than at the peak of your blind rage.

3. You're not a judge, so don't listen to their testimony.

That can be tough to do because listening to their case seems like a fair and reasonable response. Avoid the temptation and you will reap your benefit when they stop coming to you with their petty grievances, Wolf says. Apparently it worked with his children.

"The constant sibling squabbling that can wear you down and so totally drain the fun and any pleasure out of time spent with your children didn't exist. We were out of the loop," Wolf writes. "The squabbling that did occur was not the stomach-tightening, 'Oh, no, here they go again,' with whatever peace you had at any given moment instantly replaced by that familiar tension."

According to Wolf, his methods improved his quality of life. Plus, he got a book deal out of it, so I decided to come up with a few ideas on my own:

1.Be 6-feet 7-inches tall. Grow a beard and speak with a booming voice. Learn to growl, "Cut that crap out," with a tone and expression that would reduce John Wayne and Clint Eastwood, in their prime, to tears and compliance.

Sure, this may not work for everyone, but it's done wonders for me thus far.

2.Establish some conflict resolution ground rules — no hitting is a key here — and let them sort it out themselves. Jump in if matters escalate.

When they grow up, move out and stop eating your food they'll have to solve conflicts all the time. It's not a bad idea to give them a chance to hone their skills.

3. Send them to separate corners. Once they've gotten to DEFCON 1, immediate resolution will likely be impossible. Let them regroup and reset then try again.

It works in boxing and international relations.

4. The bloodiest battles are usually fought over territory and resources. Make losers of both parties by confiscating the coveted item.

I like to stash it atop the refrigerator where it can taunt the children while reminding them of my height and their folly … but that may be cruel.

5. Establish the hierarchy. Children are enlisted and parents are the officers but my home is a democracy and everyone gets to vote. The votes are divvied up by age. One vote for each year you've been alive. Mom and dad will be able to prevent a filibuster until September 2020.

There is no contingency plan in place, but I'll think of something.