Scott Hollifield: Ghosts enliven in deadly dull tour

By: Scott Hollifield | Hickory Daily Record
Published: March 08, 2010

I'm not a tour guide, but I play one at the newspaper.

Scout leaders sometimes call to ask if their troops or packs can visit the newspaper office. I assume it's to fulfill requirements for the "Locate The Most Boring Place In Town" merit badge.

We have to be near the bottom of the places-to-visit list. After all the oaths are taken and knots are tied and restless kids start poking each other with tent stakes, some leader, at wit's end now that they've visited all the cool places like the sheriff's office, the fire station and the waste-treatment plant, wearily says, "Well, I guess we could tour the newspaper. That'll kill 30 minutes."

Phone calls are made, dates are set, kids show up and I lead them through what is essentially a big, empty building.

Consolidation has made it like any other office, only dustier. When I started years ago, the atmosphere was tour-worthy. The press shook the building, the wire spat out news in a staccato rhythm, editors barked orders, photographers slept it off in the darkroom, and composing room workers cut and pasted and occasionally sliced each other with X-Acto knives.

For children, it was a breathtaking experience, thanks to darkroom chemicals and secondhand smoke.

Today, the tour consists mainly of me referring to things that no longer exist.

"Over there is where the press used to be. And here is where the camera room was. And over there is where the copy editor sat."

I answer questions as best I can.

"How many papers do you sell?"

"Who draws the comics?"

"Why did you put Maw-Maw's DWI in the court news when she said Uncle Ray would come up there and whup your $#% if you did?"

I even tackle the inevitable kid inquiry: "How much money do you make?"

"Let me put it this way, son. Look out the window. See that car?"

"Yeah."

"That's a 2010 BMW 3-Series 328I convertible, M Sport Package, heated front seats and Dakota leather upholstery."

"Wow!"

"Now, see that truck beside it?"

"The dirty one with the broken tail light?"

"Yes, that truck is mine. I don't know who owns the BMW but you really should tour his building."

Fearing that kids were bored silly by the visits, I recently tried to spice things up by introducing an element of the supernatural: our alleged ghost.

Some who work in the 60-year-old building believe it to be haunted. A local psychic assured us it was. I don't believe in ghosts and attribute the occasional odd creak to the building's age and wear and tear. My disbelief did not stop me from exploiting the alleged ghost for tour purposes.

"And even though it's a big, empty building with very little to see, some say it's HAUNTED!"

"Oh! Can we see the ghost?"

"No, but I'll show you some old typewriters."

"Why can't we see the ghost?"

"It's his day off."

"Can we come back when the ghost is here and it's not so boring?"

"Maybe. Who has some questions about how we produce a newspaper? Tyler?"

"What's the ghost's name?"

"Uh ... Randy. The ghost is named Randy. Let's get back to the role of newspapers in the community. Stevie, why are newspapers important?"

"What does Randy do on his day off?"

"Does anyone have any questions about anything other than Randy the ghost? Anyone? No one? OK ... Want to know how much money I make? Good. Look out the window. See that car? That's a 2010 BMW 3-Series 328I convertible ..."

Again, I'm not a tour guide, but I play one at the newspaper.