Corey Haim died this week, shocking the world, not so much that he had died, but rather because he was still alive up until this week.
It's a mistake I've often made with other celebrities in the past, thinking that they had shuffled off this mortal coil, when in fact they were really just shuffling on the Celebrity Poker Showdown.
For example, I actually thought Katherine Hepburn had been dead for years before she actually died. It must have been all those "Katherine Hepburn's Brave Last Days" headlines that ran in the supermarket tabloids 10-12 times.
I did a little poking around on the Internet, and was a bit surprised after finding out who's dead and who's not.
Cher — The truth is that Cher has been dead since the early 1990s. In order to keep the sequin and feather industries in business, a rotation of female impersonators gussied up to resemble her has been touring since 1991.
Ozzy Osbourne — Heaven won't have him, Hell couldn't hold him, but somehow Sharon puts up with him.
Peter O'Toole — Ain't going out without an Oscar.
Lindsay Lohan — The lights are on but nobody's home.
Dan Rather — He's still alive, but his journalistic integrity died a couple of years ago.
Elvis — Still alive. He works for one of the radio stations in town.
Abe Vigoda — Still alive.
Uncle Elijah — He's 105.
Elizabeth Taylor — Still alive. Alcohol is a preservative, remember?
Betty White — Still kickin' and going to host "Saturday Night Live."
Saturday Night Live — Judging from last week's opening skit, dead yet again.
Magic Johnson — Still alive. I think his illness is of legal drinking age by now and has a job and kids of its own.
Chuck Norris — Died a couple of years ago, didn't seem to phase him much.
David Eddings — Died last year. Loved his books when I was a kid. Bleah.
Pat Robertson — Kept alive by voodoo and your pledges.
Mickey Rooney — Too short for Death to notice.
Meatloaf — Only paradise he's been to is the one by the dashboard lights.
Ernest Borgnine — Died a couple of years ago, but is such a nice guy no one had the heart to tell him.
Freddy Mercury — As long as there's at least one fat-bottomed girl riding a bicycle somewhere, Freddy will still be with us.
Amy Winehouse — Still alive, but going to be put down Thursday unless someone adopts her.
Jim Cook can be reached at jcook@dothaneagle.com or by Ouija board.
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